Feeling like you desperately want to have kids while your partner doesn’t may put a lot of strain on your relationship. Some people may harbor more or less irrational fears or negative attitudes towards parenting. In most cases, some myth-busting or consultations with professionals may get to the root of the problem. However, this is a delicate subject that needs to be approached carefully. Forcing or manipulating someone to change their mind is never a good idea. That is why it helps to inform yourself on what to do if your partner doesn’t want children and you do.
Don’t feel bad because you didn’t address the problem sooner
Discovering your partner is reluctant to take the next step can cause many problems with trust and expectations. These revelations might instigate you to blame yourself for not discussing such a vital subject sooner. However, it might be the case that your partner developed existential fears due to the pandemic or some other life event that made them change their wishes and life aspirations.
Essentially, it is no one’s fault that this topic has not cropped up sooner. Every relationship has its own pace. Furthermore, discussing a decision this big should never be taken lightly.
Try to figure out why your partner is hesitant
It’s hard to figure out what to do if your partner doesn’t want children and you do, but manipulation and resentment are never a good way to open such an important topic.
Not to mention it is counterproductive to downright ignore the emotional background that lies behind your partner’s opinion. It might be that they think they are too young or don’t think they would be a good parent. Remember – everyone has the right to their own opinion. But also take note that you might be able to help your partner figure out where these feelings come from. So, be patient and understanding, and soon enough, the reason for the hesitancy should surface.
Approach the subject with empathy and understanding
Be empathic – after all, having a kid is a huge step that should be nothing but consensual. Otherwise, you risk placing your partner in a bad place, inducing postpartum depression, or making them feel like they are not making you happy. And having a child while feeling inadequate or forced to do so is not a good foundation for nurturing a healthy and happy family.
Consider going to couple’s therapy
As we mentioned, there may be some underlying reasons why your partner doesn’t want children while you do. Your partner’s viewpoint might be fueled by past trauma they might not even be aware of themselves. That is why talking to a professional about this problem is a good idea. A professional couple’s counselor or therapist will know how to broach the subject without making your partner feel attacked, forced, or exposed.
Of course, some people have reservations about going to therapy. Others might be unwilling to discuss their emotions and intimations in front of their partner. As with everything in healthy relationships, talking about opinions, feelings, and preferences should come before anything else. Perhaps your partner wants to talk to the professional one-on-one. If you insist on going together, your partner might feel as if you are pressuring them to go to therapy. In turn, this may only exacerbate the problem rather than fix it.
Explore alternative routes to parenting
If your partner is not ready for kids, there are other ways you can satisfy your urge for parenting. Rather than forcing a particular compromise that someone is not on board with, you can try to spend time with kids. For instance, you could spend more time with your cousins or join a voluntary group where people entertain or spend time with children with special needs or kids in hospitals. If you are an athletic or creative person, you may give out free lessons where you will be able to teach your hobby to these kids. If you are bilingual, you can offer language lessons to your friends’ kids.
However, it makes sense to first explore popular sentiments on these kinds of activities before you jump into anything. Websites such as consumeropinion.org are valuable tools for getting acquainted with public opinions on various topics.
And who knows. Perhaps your engagement might even win over your partner and make them join in. Besides spending time with kids, another goal of this kind of engagement is to evaluate if you are ready to become a parent. Dreaming about having your kids and actually having them are entirely different experiences.
Have a non-judgmental discussion with your partner to decide if ‘not now’ really means ‘never’
It can be pretty frustrating when you don’t know what to do if your partner doesn’t want children and you do. That is why you need to discuss the topic with your partner very transparently, even if they are dodging the issue or postponing it, so they don’t hurt your feelings. The fact that you see your futures differently might become a considerable problem eventually, and getting to the bottom of what your partner thinks when they say ‘not now’ is quite crucial for your peace of mind. Once the cards are on the table, you will be able to work out your own thoughts on the subject. That is, whether staying with your partner is more important to you than having kids.
Meta description: Wondering what to do if your partner doesn’t want children and you do? Here are a few things you should consider when you discuss this issue.
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